On the Contrary

This summer I am being visited by my daughter from New York, brother from Colorado, one son from Virginia, and one son from San Diego (he knows the drill), so I thought I would draw up some California driving tips to help them navigate the freeway from San Francisco International Airport to my little corner of the world.  So here are my tips:

1. Left hand lane – If you are going to be in the left hand lane on the freeway, understand that we operate an autobahn system out here.  Traveling at the posted speed limit in the left hand/fast lane will probably get you shot at or at a minimum several quaint hand gestures.  Speed in the fast lane is approximately 10 mph over the posted speed limit at a minimum.  Yes there will be people who think the left hand lane is their territory and their going the speed limit justifies their territorial claim, but will probably not survive the day and you will not have to deal with them in the future.
2. Following distance – You probably remember the rule one car distance for every 10 mph speed you are traveling.  Forget all that.  You are far more at risk of lane changing morons than from being rear-ended.  If you leave too much room in front of you, some clown will pass you on the right and then squeeze into the space in front of you.  So to prevent this butting in line syndrome, keep the distance between you and the guy/gal in front of you at a minimum.  Besides you can see what the guy in front of you is texting on his cell phone.
3. Moving over to let others pass – Never, never, never move over to let others pass.  It will always come back to haunt you.  If they are riding your bumper and you move over, they are more than likely to get just even with you while passing and then match your speed, leaving you stuck in the right hand lane as you approach that truck that is doing 45 mph.  I think it is the fish schooling effect.  They will drive at whatever speed you drive at, but if you put them in charge, they are lost.  Worse yet, they zoom past you so you can get back over into the left hand lane to avoid slower traffic and then suddenly they slow down and start driving erratically as they answer their cell phone.
4. Driving in the right hand lane – If for some unexpected reason you find yourself motoring in the right hand, “slow” lane and other drivers are trying to merge onto the freeway, don’t give them an inch.  It is important to show them who is boss.  If you give them room or change lanes to make their merge easier, they will see you for the sucker you are and there is no telling what other advantages they may try to take.
5. Car Pool Lanes (HOV) – If you happen to be driving during a time when car pool lane restrictions are in effect, ignore them as most Californians do.  Apparently the cockroaches feeding on the trash and debris under the seat count as people.  Additionally it demonstrates what a special person you are that the rules don’t apply to you.
6. Changing Lanes – If at some point in your little adventure you have the urge or need to change lanes, never, never, never signal your intent.  If other drivers know your intent, they will quickly close up the space to prevent you from merging in.  The best approach here is to keep looking straight ahead so there is no indication you are contemplating a lane change, and then jerk the wheel to the right or left to take advantage of the element of surprise.
7. Merging to exit the freeway – Don’t plan ahead.  Nobody else does except for suckers.  Getting in line and waiting your turn is just not done in California.  Approach the exit at a speed of at least 30 mph over the speed limit.  Wait till the very last second and then force your way into the line of traffic that has queued up to make the exit.  Then ride as close as you can to the guy/gal in front of you so that no one else can take a similar advantage.  This demonstrates how important and special you are.
8. Gray Heads – Finally one really important tip when you get off the freeway and start driving the country roads to Chateau Lightner:  There are a lot of very old drivers up here whose last little bit of independence is their drivers license.  So when you come up behind one doing 20 mph in a 45 mph zone, just give them a break.  Back off and just enjoy the scenery.  They are a dying breed of old drivers who drive slow.  We all know that when we get old, speed will be our last freedom.  “Get out of the way you young punk!”  Oh, and did I mention they have a really hard time staying in their lane on corners?  Be very wary as you go around blind corners and be ready to dodge.  The shoulder is your friend.

If you follow these simple rules you will have no trouble arriving here safely and less frazzled.  Note however that if you see a black and white California Highway Patrol car, all these rules are moot, and you must fall back to that antiquated stuff in the driving manual issued by the state.  Happy Trails.

The thing that keeps me sane is the assumption that most people see beyond the soap operas that are presented in the media as news, but I am beginning to wonder.  I drove once again to San Francisco this weekend for a five year anniversary party for my sister-in-laws for being cancer free and the experience of watching other drivers gives me pause about their ability to think and the future of this country.  Here are my favorites that make me think either the rest of the world is oblivious, or just rude and stupid:

• The idea that the far left lane is where you set the cruise control at 55 mph and never look in your rear view mirror at the line of cars piling up behind you hoping you will get over.  When you notice people passing you on the right, you give them the evil look as though they have somehow offended you.  Personally it is a good thing I don’t have a rocket launcher mounted on my car.
• You merge into traffic moving at 65 mph behind someone going 35 mph.  This is usually someone with a gray head that thinks they are being super safe while exposing you to being rear ended by the oncoming traffic.  Then after they have made your merge potentially lethal, when you try to get around them, they accelerate to 85 mph.  The only positive thing is that they will die soon.
• Then there is the guy (usually a guy in a truck) who decides to merge into your lane without looking, so as you swerve to miss them and honk your horn, they flip you the bird.  Then later on as they pass you, the woman in the passenger seat gives you the evil eye.  I cannot figure out what is going through their mind that could say this was my fault.  But then I think I know exactly how Republicans think:  They cause all this havoc and then when you try to make the world safe again, they glare at you.
• You are moving 70 mph in the fast lane when suddenly the car in front of you slows down to 55 mph for no known reason (speed limit 65mph).  Then they drift around in their lane going from one line to the other.  Finally in exasperation and your need to put some distance between you and them, you pass them on the right.  As you pass them you notice that they have a cell phone plastered to the side of their face.  I wish I could stop all drivers not using hands free devices, rip their cell phones out of their hands and stomp on them.
• You are in the left lane going 65 mph with traffic in front of you as far as the eye can see, and some guy/gal passes you on the right and then forces his/her way back into your lane.  Let’s see.  You gained one car length moving at 65 mph which gained you .5 seconds on your trip.  You could do that only because I was nice enough to leave enough space between me and the guy in front of me to allow for an emergency stop.  But you showed me didn’t you and now you are winning the race.  Where oh where can I purchase a rocket launcher for my car?  Maybe one of those 50 caliber machine guns that mounts on the roof that are available at gun shows or maybe a one of those gun shops along the border.
• What is it about using a turn signal indicator that is so hard?  I know it would require moving your right hand about 8 inches, but is that so much to ask?  When I lived in New Orleans where most of the drivers did not have car insurance, I understood why they didn’t use it.  If the other driver knew what you were going to do, that would give them an unfair advantage.  Maybe that thinking is spreading.

Well the good news is we survived the trip, my sister-in-law is healthy and happy, the party was a great success, and San Francisco is a beautiful place to visit.  The bad news is that if people’s driving habits reflect their judgment and intellect, we are heading for hell in a hand basket.  Hopefully they vote better than they drive.